My Long Walk to Jail

So if it weren't already terribly obvious that I'm going straight to hell, not collecting $200 or passing Go, last night made it even clearer. Last night, Animal Planet aired a show called "World's Ugliest Dog Competition". There is actually a dog show devoted to the ugliest dogs in the world.

Here is this year's winner, Archie:









This dog is a Chinese Crested, missing all but 4 teeth so his tongue hangs out to the side. He has no hair except the tuft on his head, and his skin is like a human's--this dog wears sunscreen.

Last year's winner, and the long-term reigning champion, Sam, passed away last year. I can't even post his picture here, because every time I see his picture, I recoil in horror. Apparently, he was a very sweet dog, but GODDAMN he was an ugly dog.

The point of the competition is to help promote the "unadoptable" dogs, the ones who get left in the shelters or euthanized because no one will adopt them. Dogs missing teeth, or deformed (one had hydrocephalus, so her head was crooked and her eyes bulged out). For some reason, Chinese Cresteds reign supreme, proving my theory that they are the ugliest dogs on the planet.

Despite the philanthropic aim of the competition, it still seems so fucking wrong to make fun of these poor dogs. It was probably even more wrong of me to cry out "DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING??!" when I saw some of these dogs. I also laughed so hard that I nearly wet the bed, especially when one of the dogs shook his head and flung drool all over the judges, or when the emcee couldn't speak after introducing one of the dogs, because he was too busy laughing.

Insert "Little Boy/Hell Isn't Good" lyrics from the South Park movie here.