Sunday, July 30, 2006

Life Lessons--collect them all!

I've learned some valuable lessons thus far in trauma, and I'd like to share them with you.

  • When riding a motorcycle, it helps to NOT be drunk.
  • Diving from a trampoline into an above-ground pool is not a good idea.
  • When hanging yourself, don't do it on your front porch so your neighbors cut you down before the job is done.
  • If you're going to shoot yourself because the hooker said no, place the gun to your temple and aim towards your brain, not toward your eyeballs. Eyeballs explode.
  • Wear your seatbelt--the repaired face will never be as nice as the original face.
  • I'm going to spoil the ending of the thriller "Car Vs. 18-Wheeler": the 18-wheeler ALWAYS WINS.

Other than these fine pieces of advice, I'd like to offer this one: stay indoors and drive slowly if you absolutely must leave the house. That way, you stand a chance of avoiding being taped to a backboard, clothing cut off, naked in a busy ER, unable to move while we draw lots of blood, Foley your bladder, DRE your rectum, and generally try to make you as uncomfortable as possible.

Saddest thing I've seen yet: the above-mentioned dive into the above-ground pool resulted in a teenage boy who will probably be a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. He was fully conscious and aware in the ER while we stared uncomfortably at his belly-breathing and priapism (bad signs). It was one of those situations where you could cry, but you can't because you're busy and hot and covered in a gown and anyway there's no crying in medicine, silly little girl, just do your job and don't get involved in it.

Watch out where you dive, people. And wear a seatbelt.

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