The Depths of Despair

The title of this post comes from the movie the picture comes from. I'm not actually in the depths of despair, but I am somewhat frustrated with life in general and medicine in particular. Sometimes, I feel like I've gone into the wrong profession. There have been shining high moments while I've been a medical student, where I feel like everything is worthwhile, but right now, I feel like those moments are few and far between. There seem to be many more moments where I'm frustrated with a resident's callousness toward a patient, or an attending's casualness with time, or a patient's refusal to take responsibility for their own care, or the system's inability to provide even basic care to those who really need it, or any of the other million things that frustrate me.

My decision to go into urology has seemed somewhat ridiculous here lately. Several guys I've discussed this with have told me they wouldn't see a female urologist, as if women never see a urologist or as if all men have such a preference. Should we tell men not to become ob/gyns, since some women have a strong preference for female ob/gyns?

I met with a urologist today to discuss research options. After scheduling an appointment via email, I walked over to the clinic, hopeful and excited. As I went to meet the doctor, he said, "Ah, you think you like urology, right? I want you to meet with my resident here, she's the best resident I have, and she is quitting urology here soon. Oh, yes, research. I have some basic research starting soon, leave your contact information with my secretary and I'll get in touch with you when it begins." For this, I walked about a quarter of a mile, and had to get special permission from the attending and chief resident to leave L&D. Was he deliberately trying to discourage me? Why else would he want me to meet a resident who is quitting? Or did less thought go into this than that?

I had been doing so well for a while. I can't tell if I'm getting more upset because I should be, or because I'm getting depressed. I do feel somewhat hopeless, like what the fuck am I doing? Am I going into the right field? Am I taking the "easy" route by not doing family practice or internal medicine or OB? How interested am I in this field? Am I picking it by default, because nothing else was interesting at all? The questions just keep coming, and I can't quite answer them right now. I'm sure this will pass--after all, I've been very excited about urology. I just dislike feeling so helpless.

At least I got to deliver my second baby today. I also sutured a perineal lac, which scared me to death--I hadn't sutured anybody since surgery in August, for pete's sake. And I still haven't dropped a baby, thank god.