The other day, I took off a few hours in the afternoon and went to the gym (then came back to work so the other intern could leave early). I was super proud of myself--look at me, I'm being so healthy! I knew my pants were fitting a little tight, but I used the usual lie (they must have shrunk in the wash) and blew it off.
Until I got to the gym and weighed in.
I was only 1-2 lbs underneath what I'd set as my "maximum" weight. A weight I'd said "I'll join Weight Watchers if I get to that point." While this is only a few lbs above where I'd been a few months ago, it has definitely been creeping upwards. This scared the junk out of me. Often times, I'll see people walking around who are very obese and I'll think "I never want to look like that". I'm well aware that nobody becomes morbidly obese overnight, though; it happens 1-2 lbs at a time, which is why I set a ceiling for myself. Now, I'm almost at that ceiling, and I've decided not to wait.
So, I enrolled in WW online.
My first few days have been very frustrating. I've been trying to use the online tracker to enter in my foods, and have been totally astonished how many calories I've been eating. My denial voice keeps saying "I usually eat okay..." but the sad truth is that obviously, I don't. In 4 days of entering points, I was something like 17 points behind FOR THE WEEK. AFTER ADDING IN MY WORKOUTS AND GARDENING AND DIGGING HOLES FOR TREES. This is a huge wake up call for me, but I'm left going, what do I do? How do I start menu-planning, when I'm frequently on call and at the mercy of the hospital or eating drug-rep food or eating indulgently because I'm on call? I have so many excuses, some good and some not, but it's hard to get started.
My goal is not to lose tons of weight. I could stand to lose 25-30 lbs to really be in the healthy range, but I just don't think I'm ready to do that. Right now, I want to lose 10-15 lbs and be healthier, more aware of what I'm eating. Especially since I do want to have children in a few years, I want to be as healthy as possible before trying to conceive. I also want to pass healthy eating habits on to my children (and I'd be appalled if they ate how I eat now).
But sometimes this seems like an insurmountable task, and I'm standing at the very beginning of this--I can't see very far ahead. I have no idea if I'll make it or not. I don't have a really fixed goal, either--but maybe that's a good thing, because if I just thought "I'll lose these 10 lbs and be done" then I'd probably relapse. Who knows how this will go, because I don't.