Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Reading

Since I have nothing medical to blog about for the next three weeks, until they unleash me upon an unsuspecting neurology service, I'll blog about what I've been doing recently, and that is reading.

It's such a simple thing, reading, yet it was so hard for me to do until I went to China. Ever since I learned how to read, I've always had my nose in a book. I used to read through dinner, in the car, while everyone else watched TV, in the bathroom or even in the shower (this amazes my husband). In fact, I used to get in trouble for reading so much when I'd visit my dad's house as a kid. "Put your book down and come join the family" was a refrain I heard often. At my mom's house, the punishment that worked the best (until I had a car) was to ground me from reading (unless it was for school, of course).

Sometimes, I'd have two or three books going at a time--one for school, maybe, and one I'd read before, and sometimes a third. I used to get in trouble with Mom because I'd leave them lying face down, bending the spines. I still do that, but I own the books, so it's not such a big deal. I read all through high school and through college. I laughed at a professor who told me I'd eventually get too busy to read. To me, reading was like breathing. I read extremely fast (as does my mother and hers), so I often reread books that I've enjoyed and gain new insight into them every time(as opposed to my father, who reads extremely slow, but retains everything perfectly, so he only reads a book once, ever).

Then, I hit medical school. And I'm not sure when the reading stopped. There were 1,000 page syllabi (per class) to read, as well as textbooks and reviews and such, and frankly, my brain was tired. Then, on the wards, I'd be so busy and exhausted and full of what was going on with my patients and studying for the shelf that I was all used up. For a long time, I didn't even want to watch movies--I didn't have the ability to concentrate on two hours' worth of material. Television shows became the limit of my concentration--one hour max. (This change also coincided with moving to an apartment that offered free cable, which didn't help.)

My aunt sent me three books to read in China. I packed them, unsure if I was wasting the room in my backpack. After all, surely I'd be too busy to read much. I mostly did Sudoku on the flight over, and it was at some point later that I picked up the first book. I proceeded to read all three of my books, one of A's books, three of B's books, one of C's books (on the flight home; she didn't want to have to pack it) and a book I bought at the Bookworm in Beijing. It was like rediscovering breathing, I felt so refreshed. Since I came home, I've been off, and I've made several trips to Half Price Books. My shelves are stacked with new books that I've been cramming down, bingeing on the new reading material. I'll list off a bit of what I've been reading lately (during and since the trip):

  • Suite Francoise by Irene Nemirovsky (lovely reading about WWII in occupied France)
  • The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (memoir about a very dysfunctional family)
  • The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards (girl with Down's is taken away, mother is told she's dead)
  • The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenberger (a new favorite, this book is amazing)
  • Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella (beach fluff but fun)
  • The World According to Garp by John Irving (very odd, and book really has no theme or message)
  • Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky (a little dry, but interesting nonetheless)
  • Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife by Mary Roach (not as good as Stiff, but still fun)
  • Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore (read in China, was fascinated by Moore's work)
  • Fluke, or I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings by Christopher Moore
  • Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore (well-written and not as blasphemous as it sounds)
  • You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore (vampire love story)
  • Prairie Gothic: The Story of a West Texas Family by John R. Erickson (interesting West Texas history; I've been looking into genealogy lately so this was fun)
  • Goodbye to a River by John Graves (quoted often by Erickson so I had to read it)
  • The Liars' Club: A Memoir by Mary Karr (found in Texana section at HPB, also a memoir of a very dysfunctional family)
China books:
  • Iron and Silk by Mark Salzman (read prior to trip)
  • The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang (read prior to trip, heart-breaking history)
  • Red China Blues: My Long March From Mao to Now by Jan Wong (fascinating)
  • Tiananmen Diary: 13 Days in June by Harrison E. Salisbury (great account of Tiananmen student protests in 1989, compare to Red China Blues account)
  • Falling Leaves: The True Story of an Unwanted Chinese Daughter by Adeline Yen Mah (very sad memoir)
  • Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World by Jack Weatherford (currently reading, just started; written by researcher who helped translate the long-lost writings of the Mongols)
I have quite a few more books to try to get through before my break is over. And hang curtains. And hem curtains prior to hanging. And paint wall art for dining room and guest bath. And write more China stories before I forget. And try to organize office a little more. And talk to county extension master gardeners about our oak trees being planted too close together. And... We'll see how much I actually accomplish in between riding my new bike, reading all my new books, and catching up on medical blogs (I just started reading The Blog that Ate Manhattan, and it makes me so hungry!). But, because I like reading and procrastinating more than doing chores...

Anyone read any other good books lately?

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Introducing Doctor TS

We graduated this past weekend. I walked across the stage, picked up my diploma, received my hood, and took the Hippocratic Oath. For the rest of the day, anytime someone said "Dr. TS", I giggled. It doesn't feel real, despite working for the past four years to get here (and in reality, the past 10 or so, because I've been planning this for a long time). My mom was laughing at all of us with our "shit-eating grins" (her words); we were just walking around calling each other "Doctor" after the ceremony was over.

I felt pretty good all weekend, but today I got my PGY-1 schedule and I will be starting on neurology. We all know how I feel about neuro, so add my fear of being the intern in charge + fear of being the intern on neuro = rather scared TS. I do hope that I can learn to enjoy neuro more--I think part of the reason I don't like it is the way our school went about it. But who knows? I'm going into psychiatry, not neurology, and while I hope to learn what I need to get by in the overlapped area, I'll never be a neurologist. That job is my friend newly-Dr. B's job, who is now moving to the East Coast. At least some of my other newly Dr. buddies will be staying here, at least for their intern year, before moving far away. It's bittersweet at this point--I'm so proud of my friends, but sad that they're leaving. And sad I only get 2 weeks off, so I can't possibly visit everyone. Oh well.

Thank you for the comments on the post about not being a nurse. It really isn't that big a deal, but for some reason it gets to me. If the roles were reversed, and I'd just finished four brutal years of nursing school, I'd be offended if someone called me "Doctor". Or maybe not, who knows?

Just so it will be in writing somewhere, it took a village to get me through medical school. Or at least a very loving husband. He has put up with me when I was cranky, brought me food when I was exhausted, and snuggled with me even when I was post-call scuzzy. The rest of my family has also been very supportive through all this. Also, I have great friends, both in and out of medicine. Of course, entering residency won't be very relaxing, either, so I will continue to rely heavily upon them, but at least I can take a minute to thank them all for helping me get this far. To all y'all, you know who you are; thank you, and I love you.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

No, I'm Not a Nurse

Salesguy: Do you need a new suit?

Me: No, thanks, I don't need one if I wear my white coat.

Salesguy: Oh, are you a nurse?

Me (politely): No, I'm a doctor.

Salesguy: Ohhhh.

I know every one of my female classmates has dealt with this, and I'm sure we're not alone. There are worse things to call me, of course, than "nurse". Nurses do a ton of work that I don't have to. I don't have to change sheets, clean bedpans, draw blood, or answer the call button all night (although I will get to answer my pager if the call button was pushed for me).

So why, then, does it irritate me when people assume that if you're a female in a health profession, you have to be a nurse? And conversely, if you're male, that you're a doctor? There are male nurses out there, more than ever, and women now make up at least half of current medical school classes (mine had a female majority). Is it so shocking that I'm a doctor (or about to be--I'm trying to get used to saying it, as it will be true in ten days)?

I know that most people don't mean any harm by this, and the guy didn't mean to offend me, but every once in a while I get sensitive about this. Does this mean that I am somehow superior to a nurse, or that I feel superior to them? I hope not. However, I have worked awfully hard to get to this point (hence my defensiveness). I want some acknowledgment that this took eight years to get here. I don't want everyone to call me "Doctor", but I am proud to be able to call myself one.

And I'm awfully tickled that, from now on, formal invitations addressed to us will read "Dr. Tiny Shrink and Mr. Husband Of". I find this totally amusing.

Okay, I'm probably a little overly proud of this, and maybe even a bit conceited, but it'll be rubbed out of me soon enough. I'm sure there will be times during intern year when I'll wish I could say "I'm just the medical student, let me get the doctor for you." In fact, I think that is highly likely. Ack, less than 1.5 months to go!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Chinese Medicine

This is the essay I turned in to complete my China rotation. It's a little long, and wordy, but hey, that's me.

I really didn’t know what to expect of the Chinese medical system. Consciously, I didn’t think much about it; I was more concerned with what I needed to pack for a month overseas than what I would actually do when I got there. Subconsciously, however, I think I had more stereotyped ideas. China is a Communist country, and that brought up sensations of drab ugliness, poverty, dirtiness, and an inability to change. After all, I was raised during the Reagan era by Republican parents, and I think I internalized some of those expectations. I know I carried some of those stereotypes to China because I felt surprise when I entered the first few hospitals; even though I thought I hadn’t expected anything, they weren’t what I expected. During the month, we saw so many hospitals in so many specialties that I not only changed my expectations, but I can actually compare my experience in China with my American medical education and draw some conclusions.

The first hospital we visited, T, was known for neurosurgery. Our first morning at T we visited the operating rooms. I was surprised that the inside of the OR looked like any OR in the States. The CT and MRI films on the wall were high resolution; the anesthesia cart looked familiar, and the surgical equipment was advanced. In fact, the only shocking thing in the OR was the appearance of OR sandals (we were all given pairs ourselves), which seemed dangerous (OSHA would have thrown a fit).

In the afternoon, we visited the wards, where the difference was much more striking. Each room held eight to ten patients, plus several family members for each patient. There were no curtains or privacy walls, and the restrooms were down the hall for the use of the entire floor. They appeared to be less than sanitary. Each patient had a water jar or a baby bottle at the bedside; I assumed the baby bottles were for patients who were bedridden and couldn’t sit up. Each patient had a folder at the foot of their bed containing their films, which we could go pull out and examine at the bedside. Patient privacy laws must be less stringent than HIPAA, because we would discuss the case in the room in front of all the other patients and all the families.

The next day at T we visited the ICU. The ICU attending was very interested in American end-of-life ethics, and we talked for quite a while. We gathered that there are a limited number of ICU beds in a Chinese hospital, like ours, but they don’t seem to have LTACs or other places to send patients needing high-level care, so those patients simply remain in the ICU. Then, the family takes ultimate precedence over what happens with the patient. Thus, if a physician wants to transfer the patient out of the ICU (I assume because care is futile), the family may request that the patient stay. Every bed was full while we were there, and he seemed upset that families may request a patient to remain in the ICU even while other patients need that bed more. This is a situation that is at least similar to ones most of us have faced in the States, as there are never enough ICU beds for everyone who needs them (or so it seems). It did seem, from speaking to that attending, that few Chinese have any kind of DNR or Power of Attorney paperwork (or family discussion), which complicates the situation.

The most interesting difference is that they recognize brain death, but it is not a legal criteria of death. Therefore, if a patient is brain dead, they still have to convince the family to remove life support, whereas in the States (at least in those states that recognize brain death without qualifications) once those criteria have been met, that patient is legally deceased. Life support is withdrawn because the patient is not alive; it is a different situation for us than a patient in a vegetative state where life support is withdrawn from a patient who would continue living on it. I remember how much relief the brain death standard gave to the physicians when I was on neurology, because there were no tough decisions to make at that point; the patient was brain dead, therefore they were dead. It was much harder if the patient retained one brain stem reflex but otherwise had no cortical function, because then the family must make a terrible decision. All in all, the situations doctors face in ICUs regarding end-of-life are fairly similar in China and the United States.

At F Hospital two weeks later, another interesting situation arose. We were rounding on general surgery patients, and we met a patient who had arrived at the hospital with a small bowel obstruction. A CT of her abdomen showed a large sigmoid tumor which had caused her obstruction. As we took her history (translated through the resident), we asked if she knew her diagnosis (since we’d seen her case presentation before examining her). The resident explained that she had not been told, as most patients with cancer did not want to know. We were all shocked. Then who makes decisions? The resident replied that her family would be told of the diagnosis, and they would make decisions in her case. This was totally foreign to us, and several students were made very uncomfortable by this situation. Next, we examined two women with very large breast masses (in front of the other seven patients in their room), one of whom had large palpable nodes in the axilla. We asked the resident if these women knew their diagnoses. He replied yes, because it is “more obvious” when the problem is in the breast. All of us in that group have read the case in ethics where the family requests that the patient not be told her diagnosis, and the correct answer is of course to ask the patient how much they want to be told. When we asked the Chinese residents about this, they were puzzled; why would the patient want to know? I think they were easily as confused by our views as we were by theirs.

The biggest difference between our health care systems took the majority of the trip to elicit. We asked this question at every hospital, of every resident and attending, and received varying answers. Finally, at A Hospital at the end of our third week, a cardiology attending answered our question in a startingly truthful manner: what happens if the patient doesn’t have insurance and can’t pay? Answer: they don’t receive treatment. She was incredibly honest with us. She told us that even acute patients having a STEMI come to the emergency room and are required to pay for their stent before receiving it. If they do not, most hospitals can/will do nothing, so that patient simply does not receive treatment. If the patient has no means, the family will be pressed; this might work better in China than here because the family structure is very tight. As one might imagine, demanding cash up front delays the time before the patient goes to the cath lab, which had been confirmed in studies this attending had helped conduct. Now, in the States, money is a huge issue in our medical system, and I have watched many back-boarded, c-collared patients in the ER trying to sign insurance forms held above their heads while they lie flat on their backs. However, because of the EMTALA law, if a patient is in need of emergency care, they will receive it (at any hospital which receives Medicare funds). A truly private American hospital might refuse to stent an uninsured patient, or deliver their baby, but most hospitals are bound by EMTALA. China does not seem to have such a law. The hospitals we visited in China were all public hospitals (there are some private hospitals), and surely a public hospital should be required to treat the public (at least in my understanding of the word).

The Chinese system is much more capitalist than ours regarding payment for service. Much of the work American hospitals do is unpaid; in China, that hospital must receive a fee for their work. The fees charged are very low by American standards, because we tend to float the unpaid bills off those that are paid. So the price of a blood test is several hundred dollars, because the hospital will not be paid for everyone’s test. In China, the fee is lower, but everyone has paid for their test. In our system, we’re running into escalating costs because of the price of paying for the uninsured (among many other things); in theirs, their population just keeps growing. Rural areas are terribly underserved there (as in America, only worse), so there are always more patients who need the care than there are hospitals or doctors to care for them, but on a scale that most of us could not comprehend. After all, our system administers to 301 million people; theirs, 1.3 billion. Our system is overloaded; theirs must be bursting. Is it any wonder that we saw many paying Chinese patients receiving “extra” tests because those are cash tests? Of course, that kind of thing happens in the States, too, but we call it fraud. There, it was normal.

Overall, I learned many things about the Chinese health care system, and by contrast, many about our own. I saw the differences between Chinese and American medical education, and I am very glad I don’t have to learn medicine in Chinese (but Chinese doctors have to learn medicine in English). I learned a bit about Traditional Chinese Medicine, if only enough to know the terms to look up for patients in the future. I witnessed a living example of an ethical situation that had been only abstract until then. The Chinese system would be an excellent system to study here in America in the near future, when our health care system will be scrutinized and changed after the presidential election. Whoever is elected, I hope they can take some of these lessons to heart, because their system modeled interesting features of both capitalist and socialist health care systems, and in some cases, the worst features of both. Perhaps the most important thing I learned, though, was how similar our systems really are—far more alike than different. I’m much more conscious of my beliefs about the Chinese health care system now, and I’m no longer surprised by what I saw there.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jog

My plane arrived home today after an 11 hour overnight train ride from Xi'an to Beijing, an 11 hour flight from Beijing to San Francisco, and a 5 hour flight from San Francisco to the Gulf Coast. It's now 8:39 pm here, but my body kind of thinks it's 9:39 am tomorrow morning in Beijing. I didn't really have jet lag too badly on the way to China, but I'm so confused right now I'm amazed I'm typing. I will shortly go to bed and pass out, and hopefully wake up when tomorrow is truly tomorrow, not some strange half day where the sun sets and rises but the date doesn't change.

It was a great trip. I'm thoroughly sick of Chinese food, and I'm sooooo happy to be back in my house, with my own soft bed, my own clean Western toilet, unlimited toilet paper, clean hand towels, and soap (all luxuries). In the airport, I could actually read all the signs, and understand the directions of the officials guiding me through multiple lines of Customs checks and security searches. You get homesick for little things you didn't even think about.

After leaving the airport, we drove immediately to a mexican restaurant, where I had (in this order) iced tea, a margarita (on the rocks, no salt), chips and salsa and queso, enchiladas (chicken and beef) with refritos and rice, and vanilla bean cheesecake. Every bite was heaven.

I now speak a few words of Mandarin. I can say hello (nihao), thank you (xiexie), how much is it? (duao shao chen?), count to three (ee, er, sun), this and that (jega and nega), doctor (ishung), please (ching), and you're welcome (bu ku chi). (All spellings are TS-ized pinyin and I just made most of them up). It is weird now not to be greeted at a restaurant with Nihao! but I guess I'll get used to it.

Travel is fun, and I really, really loved my month, but I'm so glad to be home.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Feeling Strangely Fine

Or at least a little better. Nothing puts me in a good mood like a good bookstore. Especially one which has a) books in English b) Kurt Vonnegut and c) books which are currently banned in this country. Rock on, Bookworm!

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Bell Jar

On the second day of our trip, after giving a brief presentation on neurosyphilis at the neurosurgery hospital, I burst into tears. I'd stuttered a few times in the presentation and then started talking really fast; a person from my class subtly whispered "slow down!" and I tried very hard to do so. Still, afterwards when someone teased me about going so fast, I couldn't bear it. Tears started rolling down my face while I was trying to watch another presentation. I excused myself and found a quiet corner to have it out.

I felt really rotten, but I was still jet-lagged, and quite hormonal and emotional anyway, so I chalked it up to that and went on. "Allergies," I told anyone who took a double take and asked me what was wrong. Since I turn really bright red when I cry, it's usually very apparent for several hours that I was upset. My nose, especially, becomes a shining red beacon, rather like Rudolph.

That weekend, I felt a little better, but starting the next week (last week), I felt things sliding. My self-esteem plummeted. I couldn't get my hair right, and the only clothes I brought were not very attractive, so I felt completely hideous. I felt acutely alone most days, as the majority of my close friends didn't come on the trip. It came to a head on Saturday at the Summer Palace. The group kept leaving me behind (I'd lost my ticket that would allow me into the inner buildings, and kept having to buy more), but I was sure no one noticed my absence. I felt like everyone was making plans around me, but I wasn't included.

I had a really rough time that afternoon upon returning to the dorm. The flood gates broke and every negative emotion I feel about myself came pouring out. I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I have no friends, and why would they want to be with me anyway? I missed my husband, but I hurt too badly to talk to him.

The bell jar has come back down. I always appreciated Plath's metaphor; it fits how I feel. I felt so much better for so long, but over a few weeks to a month or so I've noticed the warning signs. More irritability, more emotionality, tearing up at corny commercials, more negative thinking. Unfortunately, it hit me on this trip, where I have no medication or confidantes. It's always hard to talk about, anyway, because I get so overwhelmed by it. My heart gets squeezed by an iron fist and my throat closes off (so yes, I'm a little somatic, too), and words won't come out. Then, once the pain eases, I'm too embarrassed to talk about it. Will they pity me? Will they be uncomfortable by this pouring out of emotion? I fear the answer, so I try to keep it in. I have always also feared that by revealing the loneliness, the desire to be around people and the pain I feel when I'm not, that I will become their pity friend. Oh, let's invite her, poor thing, she has no one else to be around. I hate that. I hate being alone, but sometimes I prefer it to that other feeling.

I need an outlet, so I'm using this. Now, maybe that I've written this down, I can go wipe my face and put on a smile and get through the rest of my day, until the blackness passes for a few hours and I can smile for real. There's no need for comments. Thanks for reading this far.